Hello, it appears that I am still here.
For past several months, or even couple years. I have been struggling with a flaw that seems to be an advantage, but really is a gun to my head. I only recently have found out that I have something that ruins people - severe perfectionism. This is a personality trait that seems to have only gone worse for the past couple years. And it cripples me in all of my hobbies, tasks and projects. My standards get so high when I do something, so high that I am unable to even get to that level. So I mess up several times and then say “F#ck it!”. I quit, and get demotivativated to continue with it later. This haunted me recently a lot with my fursona. I wanted to redesign it so much because it seems too dark on profile pictures and printed stickers. But each redesign I tried to do, there was something off in it. But I didn’t know what it is. This basically happens to completely everything I do. Something feels off.. Even right now for example, the title of this journal post wrapping into two lines on the landing page is enough for me to quit this all. This boils my blood.
Since 2022, I save every screenshot I take. Last weekend I was going trough them and genuinely got shocked, how much more active and lively I used to be. How much more fun and whimsical my things were. It made me pretty sad to see that something went wrong in past years. But I noticed that nothing was “perfect”. My old graphical designs, websites, desktops and Minecraft builds looked pretty weird. They had bad proportions, colors, design and all that. But they had this specific human feel. The feeling that makes me nostalgic and really miss the thing. Not just for the sake of nostalgia, but for who I used to be. Sure, I wasn’t that much better off. My personality was worse in other ways. But I wish some things stayed.
I am honestly so glad, that I have found the source of my demotivation and stagnation. This thing that kept telling me that some things are “not worthy to even be finished” or that they just “look/work terrible”. I can now make some counter attacks against these thoughts and train myself to reject it. I won’t list specific personal ways of doing it. But of course, the obvious thing is to change self-talk and resist the feeling of being too short to reach the treshold to continue doing what I do. After all, you learn only by doing and each ugly and failed project will give you something. And hopefuly you will look back in the future to see how far you have come.
I feel incredibly awkward writing this on my public journal. It is something that would fit in my paper private journal. But it is a good step in starting to be active in my interests and maintaining my website again. It also is a good way to do exposure therapy, doing imperfect things that I don’t really like putting out. And another thing is that this site is meant to be some sort of a social profile to share what I do, think and feel with others. There are definitely way more topics that I can write about, but I will let it for other posts. This one is a rushed one at my work because I felt like venting out..
It is just funny that I wrote into my new year resolutions to be more active on this websites. Knowing now that I haven’t really touched it in a very long time. Hopefuly this will change in the coming days.
